So I havent made a blog entry in quite some time so this is a bit of a catch up. If it's all too much soul baring for you then cover your eyes. I will be discussing female plumbing for the faint of heart...
I just wrote a few new songs, the latest of which I call, "the fall". It's a bit of a summary of where I'm at with the whole fear of losing control thing. I hope that it might help anybody who has experienced loss and grief and overwhelming stress to overcome it. I was just listening to Francesca Battiscelli the other day talk about letting go and losing control. "it feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe" made me want to think that way and I'm getting there.
If you have ever lost a loved one you might recall that a new timeline in your brain just starts up when you speak without realizing it. when my mom died 8 years ago I would say, "since my mom died..." kind of like the new BC or AD in my personal history, as if anyone would know exactly when and what I was referring to. It lasted about a year until I became more and more cognizant about saying it when I felt comfortable enough not to relate myself to grief any longer. And lately it's been, "since I lost the baby, or when I had surgery at Christmas..." I lost a baby and a tube then. I lost my faith in socialized healthcare as well. but that's another blog entry...
I also lost a little of my childlike faith to believe that if bad stuff happens i would sail through it. The first time I lost a baby it was ectopic too. Jason had a dream it was girl and a we named her Jenna Grace, had a memorial and I grieved normally for about 9 months. I had Z the following year. So this time around I didn't think I needed to be worried about that happening again. Oh man was it painful. and it was Christmas day. very upsetting and very scary. We were up on the Gold Coast visiting relatives we don't see often so we were already feeling out of our comfort zone. It was all very horrible as you can imagine.
During the same time, our 4 yr old unexpectedly had a major surgery to remove a benign tumour from his ear that had eaten through his ear bones and mastoid area. I didn't really feel the stress overwhelm me until it was all over with, 2 weeks later. Z recovered miraculously is the best way to describe it and his new titanium ear implants work great! no deafness!!
Then recently, I had developed a large cyst on my ovary which btw was 10 times the size of the right, also quite painful. actually felt a lot like an ectopic pregnancy which was freaking me out! One tumor marker was normal the other was elevated so we're just monitoring that and redoing tests in a few weeks. As the doctor is not worried I am not either. (go figure) The same week, I had a thryoid lump biopsied that was benign, which was great not being cancerous and all, but my thyroid gland is really whacked out man, and I wanted an answer and a cure! Hashimoto's sucks! if you know what it is you'll agree. Anyway, all these things added up to a bit of a depressionpostnatalanxiety-fear of losing control-cocktail that I hadn't ordered and really didn't want to consume. I wanted control. I really wanted to learn how to prevent myself from grieving and experiencing anymore trauma or pain. Guess what? turns out, in life, here on planet earth, the are NO guarantees, people! I forgot this along the way in my quest to know the unknown, and conquer the unconquerable-UNCERTAINTY. And Good Grief! Grief,well, You can't hurry grief up either. you have to let it blind side you when you see a tiny baby and feel sad, when a wave rears up over you and makes you feel like the ocean of age is going to drown you and your fruitless little womb. Until it gets smaller and the tide takes it away into the abyss when it's ready to leave, you just have to hold on and pray for peace, acceptance and hope. Never lose hope. and there are a few guarantees actually. I can rely on the promises of God. I do know where I'm going when He says it's time for me to go and that is a big comfort. When my friend Jane died in October that reality came and smacked me upside the head. Good Grief!
I hope you like my song and I hope you like the new direction I am taking my blog. To be real for a reason. I've always wore my heart on my sleeve but I'm rolling up my sleeves to do some wrestling with God when need be. And it might hurt, but like Jacob, I'll take the blessing that comes with it.